Endless Cycle?

" Atone for your mistakes and move on. At the very least, make new mistakes"

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, uttered words similar to the above quote. A day later, while "attending" church, Pastor repeated something very similar. I told God I got it. I understood. Ever since hearing that phrase from people I hold in high esteem, it has been gnawing at me. Something about those words really began to strike at me. With time passing, I became more and more uncomfortable with the phrase. Not because I thought there was anything wrong with the words or how it was told to me, but rather, because it made too much sense.
I started taking a more critical look at myself. I had long since acknowledged that the current predicament I found myself in, was due to me; due to my follies and shortcomings. There wasn't anyone that I could blame for my troubles outside of myself. Through all the lies and misdirections, cover-ups and embellishments, fantasies and stories, I became my own worst enemy. I have been the reason why I had to find myself, before I destroyed myself.


"Atone for your mistakes and move on. At the very least, make new mistakes"

Those words were like a ghost come to haunt me. I saw that while I able to be so critical of myself and even acknowledge where I was doing wrong and take responsibility for my actions, that for the most part, I was still making the same mistakes. I was still doing the same things that landed me in this bad situation. I was still the square in my circle. I was making strides mentally to overcome myself, but it seems that internally I was losing battles. Its burdensome to watch yourself slowly kill yourself. Imagine knowing fully that everything you are doing is negative. Yet outwardly you are trying to project a aura of positivity. I am a constant contradiction. Together I am everything I want to be and everything I don't want to be. Something has to give.

"Atone for your mistakes and move on. At the very least, make new mistakes."

I have thought a lot about that phrase throughout today. Realizing that at my age now, my actions and shortcomings no longer just affect me. There are bigger consequences. Being a man is more then being able to pass on wisdom to others. I am fully able to tell you what is necessary to overcome this predicament. So why is it that I still find myself stuck? Why am I making the same moves that will ultimately prevent me from ever becoming who I need to be? Why am I still involved in the same activities that will land me in hotter water? To atone for mistakes is to forgive yourself. Make what amends you can and then move on. Forgiveness begins from within. I have yet to fully forgive myself for all the pain that I caused others and me failing the expectations of others. How can I atone for my mistakes when I don't fully forgive myself for ever starting down this path? How can I fully forgive myself, if I am still making the same mistakes? Its a pretty pitiful catch 22. Growth would be, at the very least making new mistakes. So have I grown? Is being able to see everything that I've done and do wrong growth? Is taking responsibility for it growth? Is it correct to even state that I take responsibility, when I make the same mistakes? I am confused. I know the right things to do, why the hell is it so hard to do the right things?

"Atone for your mistakes and move on. At the very least, make new ones."

The point of Measure of Man, is to bring to light all of me. To fully open myself for critique. To open myself up in hopes that exposing myself will force me to take harsher and more poignant looks at myself. A call to Calvary to help me finally dispel the evil that still taint me. Measure of a Man also is suppose to help you. It is suppose to help you identify your own follies. Each session will be me writing about myself and than offering a lesson. Offering food for thought. I hope your hungry.

So what have we learned about my current predicament? Why is it so hard to do the right things? Why are we all so stuck in this constant struggle of mediocrity? Why do we get comfortable in doing things a certain way? Are you happy? Do you think that just because you are happy that you are doing the right thing? For years I was happy. I was happy, because the activities I found myself in, I thought were giving me pleasure. I thought because I was happy, I was doing right. Boy was I wrong. Seldom are we happy and doing the right things. For life is temptation and we are programmed to take the easy route. We do that which we are comfortable in doing. Why do you take the expressway to work instead of going local and avoiding traffic? Why do you eat a particular meal during celebratory sessions? Ever thought about changing your routine? Not many of us would. We say, "It works for me. It gets me through my day, why change?" Exactly! We are all afraid of change. We are afraid of doing something different, because for a time we will be force to be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because things will be unfamiliar. And we don't like feeling uncomfortable. But that is what is necessary. For a season we might have to be uncomfortable in order to overcome ourselves. Why am I stuck in doing the same activities even though I know that they are destructive? Simply because a part of me (a part of me that for some reason can creep in and take over when I least want it) doesn't like to be uncomfortable and when in that "fight or flight mood", will do what is normal to me. But I know that I have to take that leap. I have to walk blind. I have to go beyond simply knowing and talking about my issues and taking that step in complete obedience. In order to break this cycle, I have to do things that I am not used to. I have to let go of some things and replace them with...some other things. All I know is that I need to not be comfortable right now.

"Atone for your mistakes and move on. At the very least, make new mistakes."

For me to atone for my mistakes and move on and make some new mistakes, I have to give up that path that causes me to be a repeat offender. I need to walk down the street naked. Let us all take a look at ourselves and decide that things need to change. No one who was ever successful, was comfortable all the time. Think about it.