Silent Detriment

I've always been very laid back. I was sheltered much as a child and upon being granted some measure of freedom, I chose to still stay within the lines my parents and mentors dictated. I was taught that it was best to say as little as possible, allow people's assumptions to drive their thoughts; make your move based off of their miscalculation. Keep you're words to a minimum, thus you don't give up too much of yourself. In reflection, I learned that it was mainly to keep my weaknesses hidden. By not talking a lot I was able to not showcase myself fully. Thus only allowing people to draw conclusions based off demeanor and my few words uttered. For years this practice worked for me. I was able to prosper by being the laid back type. For me being laid back allowed me to take in my entire surroundings. While people were running off at the mouth, I was taking what they were saying and using it for ammo. I was very cerebral. I was allowing people to paint themselves into corners. People are seldom aware of all the information they involuntarily divulge in their monologues; information that put in the wrong hands could hurt them. I was that man. I took in all information and seldom gave much of any. Quid Pro Quo was not really something I practiced back then. I was a part of all circles, but no circle could define me. It was fun for me. I answered the questions asked of me and nothing more. If you wanted a more in-depth answer, then you needed to ask a more in-depth question. I made people work to get close to me. It was my own filtering process.

Its been years since I used that particular skill or ability. Now I feel I talk too much. I show too much of myself. A friend of mine commented that getting me to talk was like pulling teeth. Here I was thinking I talked too much. Thinking about it. I only talk in length when I am under duress, or having to explain myself, or trying to make sense of my emotions. But outside of that, I don't talk. Its funny, because by profession I am a lecturer, a teacher and public speaker. It is my job to talk; to recite inspiration, to use my gift of the word to motivate, excite, calm, soothe, or what have you, but in a social setting, its 'cat got your tongue". Why is that so? Ever feel that the world is against you? Ever feel that the weight of everything is upon your shoulders? Ever go to church in notice those not jumping up or even standing when the music and the Spirit reaches extreme highs? They are the ones sitting there just moving to the beat, as if they are simply tolerating the experience. I am that person. My excitement level seldom reaches anything anyone would deem any sort of an excitement level. I have to ask myself why? It is most likely that I don't talk, because I allow my stress to bog me down. I allow everything to weigh me down. I don't allow myself strength to get pass it. I'm so stressed and sad that I cant seem to enjoy anything fully. Sometimes we get so consumed with reaching our destination that we forget to enjoy the scenery . I'm some consumed with trying to fix myself that I don't see the things that are right in my life. We miss a lot of important things, focusing so much on our pain. We focus on it, not realizing that some times the very things we need to escape our pain , to get over it, is right in front of us. But do we see it? No, we complain and allow the weight to increase, when we really don't have to.

It is hard. It is hard for me to step outside myself and become more out going, but there are plenty of instances in which I was the life of the party, the outgoing wild one. While I wouldn't say wild, but definitely out there. I can be that person, but it depends on my level of happiness. It depends on how I look at my responsibilities and the how I gauge the weight on my shoulders. We would all do better to take stock of our situations; to look more positively at ourselves and what we are going through. I asked my friend how she was doing and her response was "Good. Even when I'm not doing good, I answer good because I know soon I will be good." If that doesn't sum it up I don't know what does. Enjoy yourself despite everything you may be going through, don't focus solely on getting there but take from the journey as well. Don't allow your situation to define you, you define your situation. Live your Dream out loud